Day 31, Day 31 — Really?

As Matt noted reading this post before I published it – this post is a rollercoaster, just like the journey we are on.

Day 31 . . .

I can’t believe we are on day 31. On one hand, it’s all been a blur because I can’t believe we are already on day 31. However, my mind, body, energy, and even my spirit, are just exhausted . . . because it’s been 31 days. That’s me. So how does Amber feel? Her mind, body, energy, and most likely her spirit, are different; injured; foreign. My poor baby girl, this must be all too much for her. And all she wants to do is just go home. We tell her it’s only a couple more weeks, but is it? Are we all just naive and optimistic, when we really shouldn’t be? I’m trying to be hopeful in all this but it is truly hard. For me, it’s the unknown that’s defeating me and bringing me down.

I try not to use the word “hate” because it’s ugly. But I hate this situation so much. I hate seeing Amber suffer. I hate seeing the kids on her floor, Floor 8 (The Cancer Ward) suffering, and I hate for all kids in this hospital to be suffering. Kids are innocent, and this should NOT be happening to them. It’s just not right.

Amber’s been in pain after having the G-Tube put in but I have to chuckle because no matter how much discomfort she’s in, she is so darn polite! She’s cying from being jostled around and she still says her pleases and thank you’s to us and the nurses. I laugh because it’s cute but inside my heart it breaks. It breaks for her innocence and sweetness. And as I write this, I cry . . . because it’s just not right. It should be me in her place, not her.

There is so much to worry about and I’m trying not to let it consume me, but it’s really tough.

Thank God for Matt. My rock, my heart, my partner and my love. When I feel down he picks me up. I honestly couldn’t ask for a more perfect partner to be by my side during this topsey-turvey nightmare. He gives me strength when I need it so that I can have that extra strength for Amber; for our children; for him. Him and I, we’ve got this — together, as a team with Amber. God, I thank you for him; for them.

8 thoughts on “Day 31, Day 31 — Really?

  1. I’m so very sorry you are facing so much uncertainty and struggle. Thank God you have Matt and that he has you. Only going through this sort of thing do you truly understand. Im happy you have each other to cling to as you help Amber. I’m sad to hear she’s missing home. Sending you my deepest concern, affection and prayers! You are on my mind and in my heart.

  2. We are so sorry you are all going through such a tough time. But you do it with such grace, even when it is incredibly hard to see Amber dealing with it all.
    We will say extra prayers for you today, Caron.
    Isn’t it Fr. Tito that says that the depth of your suffering shows the depth of your love? Your love is very real and beautiful.
    Together you will make it through, we are sure of it!

  3. Words cannot express how deeply sorry I feel for your family and Amber. You all are some of the nicest people I know, no surprise that she is still polite while suffering. I will continue to pray for all of you!

  4. Oh…..sweet Mama Caron. You are an incredible Mama. You are so strong. You have such power in you. Your heart is allowed to break. It’s not right. It is NOT fair!!! But you put on that smile and that laugh and you do it BECAUSE you are a Mama. Just not any Mama…..but Amber’s. God, how I wish I could take it all away for you!!! Yes, Thank You God that he gave you a wonderful partner like Matt. Lean on him, cry on him. You are allowed….so allowed. And in the end the only thing Amber needs is her Mama smiling even though you are so broken inside. Like I told you before: YOU are her Wonder women, Caron! I love you so much!!!!

  5. Continued love, prayers and hugs Caron and tonight an extra one to you …. the Mama, the rock ❤️🙏🏻

  6. It is always hard for parents to see their children suffer. I can’t even imagine what it must be like! Your love for Amber and the strength that you and Matt have together is very comforting in this very trying time in your lives. Please know that you are in my prayers daily.

  7. As I read this my heart breaks even more..,, and I even almost started to cry, just like her I can not wait for her to be home. So we don’t have to go to the hospital every weekend. I like to, but I want her home to. So we can ALL be together again. So we do not have to be apart, even though we video chat

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