I celebrate all of my children’s ½ birthdays and today, April 4th, 2019, is no exception.
~ Happy 7 ½ Birthday in Heaven Amber Grace ~
Life Doesn’t Stop After Death.
How dare life keep moving forward after the death of Amber. It should be stuck on pause — that horrendous day. It should be paused until Matt and I are ready for it to continue moving forward. There should be no laughter or smiles or happiness. How could there be when something so tragic just happened? What a cruel joke life plays on us though, because whether we want to pause things or not, life still moves forward and it doesn’t wait for our permission to do so. Life just keeps on going, even though we’re broken. Life forces us to move forward. It forces us to put our broken pieces back together and try to figure out this “new” life without Amber.
As our family scrambles around looking for each and every broken piece to glue back together, there will always be those little tiny missing pieces that you just didn’t find. And this “new” life is never fully put properly back together or perfectly complete; nor will it ever be again. And that glue that we used to place each piece just so — is now the only thing filling the gaps of where our missing pieces were supposed to go. Those gaps will forever be vulnerable and fragile. And if this broken life is somehow put back together again, it will not be worth the same as the original; it will never be completely perfect ever again.
And while we struggle with mending our broken family, I’m pretty sure Amber’s new life doesn’t stop after death either, and I’m pretty sure her new life is, without a doubt, Spectacular. A couple months ago, a very dear Aunt of mine shared with me a vision she had of Amber. She told me that Amber asked her “why is Mommy so sad? She helped me get to be with God . . .” My Aunt said that the way Amber said it was that of like — how could there be any question of (mom) still being sad — because she (Amber) is with God. So my Aunt said to Amber “she is sad because she can’t see you anymore.” To which Amber gave a little shrug of her right shoulder and said “but I am always with her…”
It brings my heart and soul peace knowing Amber is where I can only hope and pray to be one day, when it is my time. And each day brings me closer to seeing my beautiful and precious angel again. Thinking that way makes me feel giddy, like when I was a kid and seeing the Christmas tree surrounded by beautiful unknown gifts on Christmas Day. The beautiful unknown gift is my life leading up to seeing Amber again. And when I finally get to see what’s inside that beautiful gift — it will be the ultimate homecoming!
And honestly, in the grand scheme of things, Amber is truly the lucky one. She is in Heaven with God, and Jesus, and Mary, our cat Mo and her Uncle Ned. They are in Paradise surrounded by love and light and they still get to be with us in our hearts and in our minds.
3 weeks ago at my family’s annual reunion, I was reminded by my mom about the day we told our kids that their Uncle Ned passed away. It was August of 2016. We were in our hotel room, at the end of what was supposed to be the most magical trip for us all: a Walt Disney World vacation with all the bells and whistles. At the time, Marie was 10, Brianna 8, Amber 4 ½, and Ryan 1 ½. Marie and Brianna understood and took their Uncle Ned’s passing the hardest. Ryan was too young to understand. Amber however, even at the age of 4, was wise beyond her years. While the rest of us were all crying and embracing each other, Amber said to us “I don’t understand why you are all so sad, Uncle Ned is up in Heaven and he is happy . . .” And after she said that to us, she proceeded to hug each and every one of us. It was pure innocence and pure truth. How could I have forgotten such a moving and defining moment? And how omniscient and foreshadowing of the future. Amber’s statement of her Uncle Ned paired with my Aunt’s recent vision of Amber leaves no doubt in my mind that they are in Heaven with God.
So I end this post with some of Amber’s own sentiment —
Why are we so sad? Amber’s up in Heaven, and she is Happy . . .