As Matt noted reading this post before I published it – this post is a rollercoaster, just like the journey we are on.
Day 31 . . .
I can’t believe we are on day 31. On one hand, it’s all been a blur because I can’t believe we are already on day 31. However, my mind, body, energy, and even my spirit, are just exhausted . . . because it’s been 31 days. That’s me. So how does Amber feel? Her mind, body, energy, and most likely her spirit, are different; injured; foreign. My poor baby girl, this must be all too much for her. And all she wants to do is just go home. We tell her it’s only a couple more weeks, but is it? Are we all just naive and optimistic, when we really shouldn’t be? I’m trying to be hopeful in all this but it is truly hard. For me, it’s the unknown that’s defeating me and bringing me down.
I try not to use the word “hate” because it’s ugly. But I hate this situation so much. I hate seeing Amber suffer. I hate seeing the kids on her floor, Floor 8 (The Cancer Ward) suffering, and I hate for all kids in this hospital to be suffering. Kids are innocent, and this should NOT be happening to them. It’s just not right.
Amber’s been in pain after having the G-Tube put in but I have to chuckle because no matter how much discomfort she’s in, she is so darn polite! She’s cying from being jostled around and she still says her pleases and thank you’s to us and the nurses. I laugh because it’s cute but inside my heart it breaks. It breaks for her innocence and sweetness. And as I write this, I cry . . . because it’s just not right. It should be me in her place, not her.
There is so much to worry about and I’m trying not to let it consume me, but it’s really tough.
Thank God for Matt. My rock, my heart, my partner and my love. When I feel down he picks me up. I honestly couldn’t ask for a more perfect partner to be by my side during this topsey-turvey nightmare. He gives me strength when I need it so that I can have that extra strength for Amber; for our children; for him. Him and I, we’ve got this — together, as a team with Amber. God, I thank you for him; for them.